photo credit: robert ullman

Savage Love

by Dan Savage

First off, PST, while it’s true that I’ve “pushed the idea” that women must perform oral sex, I’ve also pushed the idea that men must as well. “Oral sex is standard,” I wrote. “Any model that comes without it should be returned to the lot.” That applies equally to both men and women, regardless of sexual orientation.

As for GGG, perhaps a clarification is in order. ExtraUgly.com is selling “Good Giving Game Girl” T-shirts, and their website defines GGG as “the three key attributes of a good, freaky sex partner. As promoted by Savage Love. Buy it for all yo favorite hos.”

Memo to ExtraUgly.com: GGG isn’t just for girls, and being GGG doesn’t make someone yo ho. Boys who are virgins on their wedding nights can be GGG, and so can girls uploading amateur ATM porn from their dorm rooms.

Here’s what I wrote when I first coined GGG: “‘Good, giving and game’ is what we should all strive to be for our sex partners, as in, ‘good in bed,’ ‘giving equal time and equal pleasure,’ and ‘game for anything—within reason.’” (Please note that “within reason,” selfish, demanding kinksters.) GGG is something straight women, straight men, lesbians, gay men, bisexuals, MTFs, FTMs, etc., should all strive to be.

Where we part ways, PST, is the “owe” issue. I happen to believe that we owe our sex partners a few things. Good personal hygiene, for starters, followed by a sense of humor, a willingness to meet our lovers’ needs, and cleanish sheets. And someone who’s unwilling to or incapable of meeting a partner’s needs owes ’em permission to get those needs met elsewhere—safely and responsibly, within reason, and on a budget.

But these are merely my secrets for a happy, fulfilling, lasting relationship. Folks who prefer stressful, aggravating, short-lived relationships—ones characterized by shouts of “I don’t owe you anything!”—are free to disregard my advice.

At 28 years old, LMNH, you’ve been masturbating for how long now? Fifteen years? More? If humping a sofa hasn’t ruined you already—if you can still come during vaginal and oral sex, and when you get hand jobs from other people—then you’re obviously not doing yourself any harm.

If you’re concerned about the intensity with which you have to bang away at any given sofa in order to get off when you’re alone, LMNH, you could experiment with edging. Bring yourself to the brink again and again, and gradually decrease the intensity of the stimulation as you proceed. Start out humping the couch across the room, but work toward barely grazing the couch with your cock.

This isn’t about retraining your cock or undoing any damage—I don’t think you’ve done yourself any damage. It’s about reassuring yourself that, yes indeed, you can come from stimulation that varies from intense to subtle.

And those folks doing it with fists? Not all of them are doing it “soft and oily.” Some men who masturbate “normally” do themselves lasting damage by gripping themselves too firmly, aka “the death grip.” Varying your masturbatory routine is a good idea whether you’re using your fist or your sofa.

“Commit to pulling your dick out of me, then commit to getting the fuck out of my apartment.”

Thanks for loving my brain, E., but I’m hating your ass.

Not only is what you’re planning to do unfair to your boyfriend—who, just like a woman, has a right to decide when, whether, and with whom he’d like to reproduce (and who, like most men, needs to be more proactive about birth control to protect his right to make that decision)—it’s hugely unfair to any “brat” unlucky enough to drop from your twat.

But hey, your mind is made up—you’re doing this thing. And I’m not running your letter to argue with you, E. I’m only running it in hope that a certain 28-year-old who’s about to go to law school a hojillion miles away from his 24-year-old batshit-crazy girlfriend sees it, recognizes himself and dumps the lying little sociopath.

And yes, everybody, I realize this letter could be fake. But just in case it’s not, here it is.