BLACK LIKE ME

by Jayson Scott Musson

Sometimes it’s sad. Like when you can’t understand where all those good feelings you had for someone went.

Other times falling out of love is groovy. Like when you love someone who’s an absolute piece of human detritus, and because of love you forgive their daily transgressions against your meek little soul. But lo! There comes that magic day when you’ve saved up enough money for a down payment on a new place of your own, or when you just don’t give a fuck anymore and you say peace out to the little chicken-fucker who’s been bringing you down.

Oh, what beauty freedom is! ’Tis like the heaven of unprotected sex. And if you’re lucky you get the added bonus of watching this person sob on the bedside as you leave, because in their own asshole-ish way they did truly love you.

But there’s a horny new frontier for you to explore. You’re fitting to bang anything with two legs, a GED and an $8.06-an-hour paycheck. Hell yeah. Are you with me, my new free and single pal? Yeah? Then let’s have some fun.

I got a jug of whiskey, a sack of ecstasy, a pocket full of condoms and a copy of the Necronomicon. Let’s summon up some hot demon bitches with goat legs, penguin skin and horse penises. C’mon, man. It’s a demon. It’s not gay if you let a demon with a penis have sex with you. It’s from the fourth dimension. There’s no such thing as straight or gay there. They just do what they feel. It’s all good.

You’re leaving? Fine then, that’s just more demon penis for me. Cowabunga. I love being a turtle.